Apple today announced great new features and more affordable pricing for both iPod touch and iPod nano. iPod touch, which includes iOS 5 and iCloud, will be available in new black and white models starting at just $199. The new iPod nano is available today starting at just $129 and features a redesigned user interface, 16 new digital clock faces, and improved built-in fitness features. Novak Djokovic overcame his breathing problems and fatigue to beat friend Andy Murray 6-3, 3-6, 6-7 (4), 6-1, 7-5 Friday in a nearly five-hour Australian Open semifinal. Obama Begins State Of The Union By Asking Congress To Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them Apple today announced financial results for its fiscal 2012 first quarter, which spanned 14 weeks and ended December 31, 2011. The Company posted record quarterly revenue of $46.33 billion and record quarterly net profit of $13.06 billion, or $13.87 per diluted share. These results compare to revenue of $26.74 billion and net quarterly profit of $6 billion, or $6.43 per diluted share, in the year-ago quarter. “We’re thrilled with our outstanding results and record-breaking sales of iPhones, iPads, and Macs,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “Apple’s momentum is incredibly strong, and we have some amazing new products in the pipeline.” Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurky BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. Just in time for the holidays, Apple’s fifth Manhattan store opens for business at New York’s world-famous Grand Central Terminal at 10 a.m. on Friday, December 9. The store overlooks the historic Main Concourse and features two Genius Bars, entire rooms dedicated to Personal Setup and Personal Training, and an expert team of 315 employees. Holiday shoppers can test-drive Apple products, attend 15-minute Express workshops, get free technical support, and more. WASHINGTON—Saying he came bearing an important message from the past, a stranger from the year 1998 appeared on the Capitol steps Thursday and urged voters not to elect Newt Gingrich president in 2012. TRENTON, NJ— Citing the nearly 1,500 deaths that occurred in the United States last year as a result of kaleidoscoping while driving, New Jersey governor Chris Christie signed legislation Friday banning the practice. Blog post and video from Microsoft Digital Crimes Unit about company efforts to stop the Rustock spambot. Syrian violence spreads to the Damascus suburbs | The Gingrich campaign loses momentum in Florida. Wired Magazine reports that Newsstand, a new feature of iOS 5, is “hitting it big with traditional media publishers thanks to its windfall delivery of new digital subscriptions.” Newsstand keeps all app subscriptions for newspapers, magazines, and journals in one convenient place on the iOS 5 home screen and makes it easy to shop for new reading material. Wired cites Conde Nast and The New York Times among publishers seeing large spikes in app subscriptions since Newsstand launched. Reviewing iPhone 4S at TechCrunch, columnist MG Siegler finds much to like, including its faster speed, improved camera, iOS 5 with Notification Center, and Siri, which he calls “the true killer feature of the device.” He adds: “The iPhone 4 was a great product. The best smartphone ever made. Now it cedes that title to the iPhone 4S.” Are Bugs Mad At Us?  A suicide bomber driving a car packed with explosives attacked a funeral procession in a Shiite neighborhood in Baghdad on Friday, killing at least 22. SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the collection of puppies assembled for Puppy Bowl VIII a tired rehashing of the same old Jack Russells, pit mixes, collies, and labs, fans around the nations agreed this week that the 2012 contest would be one of the most ... Coroner Levels Wobbly Examination Table With Piece Of Ear In a CNET Editors’ review, Jason Parker gives the new GarageBand for iPad, iPhone, and iPod touch 5 out of 5 stars, citing the app’s “uniquely designed and authentic-sounding instruments, smart touch interface, and tools that make song creation easy.” He adds: “Anyone with even a passing interest in creating music should download GarageBand for iOS. Frankly, we wish we could give it more than five stars for the virtually unlimited song possibilities, ease of use, and excellent touch-screen controls.” Dear The Onion, I recently found out about a great new food I’m sure your readers would love to hear about: grapes. Give them a try. Joyce Babb, Wayne, NJ According to the IRS, federal, postal, and congressional employees owe $1.03 billion in unpaid taxes.